Be There for Them

What do kids want? At any age. They want a lot of things which can or cannot be given.

But, in my eyes, besides love, being loved and boundaries which we will discuss in length, all children want warmth and security.

Children want to know that they have someone they can rely on. Someone that will be there for them in good and difficult times. They want to know they can talk and will be heard.

I have seen many a case where children do not have any or part of the above. Either the parents are too overbearing, so no one wants to ask or even mention anything, or parents who are so busy they are just not there for the kids.

All of us want to have a mentor, someone we can turn to for advice and security. This is in my eyes one of the gifts of parenting. A burden sometimes,  but you are more involved and can be a positive influence.

As in almost everything, this should not be overdone. The parent must know his limits and the limits that will be put on the child who wants help. Don’t be overbearing and bossy, but be calm, a good listener and give advice as advice, not as an order.

By the way, being there for our kids has everything, and nothing, to do with the boundaries that we set for kids. By setting boundaries and upholding them, we as parents exert our authority. This is not only “parenting”, but is also part of the  security blanket or net that kids need. They need it when growing up and when they are young adults.

I have had the good fortune to have been involved with “little ones” while they were growing up and now with “big ones”, our already adult kids.

A conversation I had with my son prompted this post. We had a tele-conversation a few days ago. The distance of an ocean and sea are never a deterrent. He was driving home from a horse tournament in North Carolina and we talked for quite a while about his business. He is a reiner. (Reining is one of the western horse riding disciplines). As such he trains horses, the people (his customers) who compete in reining, and competes himself in tournaments.

He doesn’t talk much when it comes to serious matters. But there are times when he wants to discuss and hear our opinion. He knows that we are always here for him.

The same goes for our daughters. They have their lives but sometimes want to hear our ideas or just talk about what to do. For example, where to rent a place for a cosmetic clinic, what to do with the kids in situations that need advice.

Always be there, sometimes just to listen and sometimes to talk as well. If it’s advice, then give it with an open mind. This is true all the time, even when they are still small and always bear in mind that there may be more than one way to do things. Listen to them, learn with them and then open your mouth.

Don’t be a yes person and agree with everything. Always be the “responsible” adult. All of this is of course only my own humble opinion.

With little, little ones It’s quite the same. When they come to babble about something, pay attention and listen. They also have a story to tell and they want you to hear it. Then just hug them. Give them warmth and an ear. Answer all their many questions with patience and a smile. With toddlers the questions and “statements” are repetitive and so very cute. Enjoy them and cherish them, the cuteness ends very quickly.

I mentioned above security. Your children will always be your children. The question is, is this just a metaphor for you? Is it because you brought them into the world or will it be the real thing? Bringing children into the world does not make you a real Dad or Mom. Being a parent is not just some minutes of fun. All this is a well-known cliché. What is not a cliché’ is the security issue. Kids want to feel that they have someone they can rely on. Someone they can turn to when they feel they need the support. Even when they are going through the teenage crazy years or as parents. Don’t just let time fly by.

Let them know that you are there for them and, that boundaries do exist. That they know they are not alone but are also accountable for their actions. They probably will “hate” you in the beginning for this and then they will love you. That’s when you will know that you succeeded.

We also need to remember that this reliance on us as parents cannot replace the responsibilities and efforts your children need to take and make themselves. In no way should we reach a situation that the children can do “nothing”, make no efforts and expect the parents to bail them out. Certainly not. This is true at all ages. Everyone needs to take destiny into their own hands. Everyone, ourselves and our children, must go out and make the effort. Do their best. It’s important that as parents, we guide our children into being independent. Guide them into thinking, to making decisions about what to do and then try and do it, knowing that you will be there to advise and help if possible.

I even see this in our small grandkids. I see them trying to do something.  An example from a visit to the zoo.  Our then small nearly three-year-old was sitting on his little push and ride during a visit to the Zoological Gardens. He was pushing it up a sandy path. It was tough, an effort. My first inclination was to help. I held back.  He didn’t ask for the help and was making the effort. He succeeded and this won’t be the first or last time for him. He wants to succeed himself and is pleased when he does. A small task for us, an effort with great success for him. Achievement is great in self-building oneself. Let them try, let them fail. Encourage them to try, to make the effort and to feel the joy of success.

When the little guy had difficulties, he first tried, and only of he is not successful he would look up at me knowing I am there for him. And then he would learn.

The name of the game is “Be there for them”. I feel that is our privilege and duty to be there for them. This help can range from advice, actual help by going and doing something and of course financial help. But they must make the effort. The effort can be a lot of things including thinking of a solution to a challenge and not finding one.

I want to emphasize. As a parent, help but do not take the responsibility or in many instances actually do the things that need doing.

I personally fall into this trap all the time and find myself doing things. Like for example organizing the insurance on one of my daughter’s car. Did it for a couple of years. Complained “why do I need to do it?” etc. It was my fault. This year she did it herself and got a better deal than the one I did.

But she knows that if there is an issue, advice or help is needed, she has an address.

To sum it up.

Be the one who your family can fall back on, ensure that they first have done the work, made the effort, thought about the what and why, and taken responsibility. This way you will have children that will stand on their two feet and see you as their rock.

They will also be the ones who one day you may rely upon.